I'm Dreaming of More Carefree Times

Last summer, when we spent all our money in Oregon.  Again.  Working full time and having the evenings to do whatever we desired was(is) so underrated.  Although I never did get to all the projects I had in mind for the summer... I now feel that if I can have the same luxury next summer then I will do SO much more with my time.

Yes, I guess you could say that I am lamenting the past of what never was.  But, for some reason the fact that I have realized my life in this small town will be over in the next year and a half has made me really antsy to finish as quickly as possible...and also to make the most of everything.

Do you or did you ever feel a love-hate passion for your life and experiences in college?  Sometimes I want to curse the heavens and ask WHY I ever thought it would be a good idea to be a musician!?!?  Yet, I have realized something over the past month of this semester...

All musicians are masochists...that is the plain and simple truth.  We just love putting our hearts out there for the world to see, critique, and crush.  I never used to be so sensitive to people's criticisms--not even for my art...which many argue is even more of yourself on paper than music.  But now, sometimes when my professors say things it pierces me straight through the heart and all I really want to do is sit there and cry--mostly because I spend so many of my waking hours preparing this blasted music and learning the theory behind it all that if I don't get unabashed praise then all I did was a waste.

This is the difference in music compared to art:

• In art you can throw your paper away if you don't like what you see.  You can change what people will see.  You can start over and no one really cares.


• In music you get one chance to wow the crowd.  You get one shot to make your audience feel that thing that you want them to feel.  And if you screw up your chance is gone forever.

So if I randomly go crazy, you'll know why...and it's not because a completely blank 5'x7' tapestry is still hanging on my living room wall waiting for me to paint it.