hard

I'm going to write about something hard...

Usually, I am not so forward about problems in my life, but maybe this can help somebody else.

So here goes nothin'



Hummer and I are trying to have babies.  But so far we haven't been able to.  Both of our bodies are in the "slightly off" category, and anything doctors have told us we basically already know/knew.  We have been trying to have babies ever since we got married almost two years ago.

It's funny because when I talk about it people don't know what to say to me or how to react.

I can't blame them.  So usually I don't talk about it.  But I feel like finally I am at a point in my life now where, although I still feel sad about it, it's not so devastating that I turn into this blubbering idiot every time I talk about it.  This is the first time I've ever written about it publicly...so consider yourself lucky if you are reading this.

Infertility is such a funny thing.

everybody has a story about infertility.  Wether it's a someone else's story or a year long story or a two year story or a seven year story or a whole life story... for women, it is a packaged deal with emotions you didn't even know you could feel.  For men, you'll have to ask hummer--I can't speak for him.

It comes with a certain amount of despair that comes riddled with relief and frustration and anger.  Frustration because you have waited your whole life for this moment and when you thought it was finally the right moment, God had another plan for you.  Anger because you cannot understand why, when this was something you have always wanted and it is something so good, you cannot have it.    Relief because even though you want babies, you are glad that you still have time to do the things you always wanted to do before the babies come.

Despair comes as a by-product of lacking faith in yourself and in what your body can do. It's also a by-product of feeling relief, and then guilt for being relieved that they still haven't come yet.

Sometimes it hits you like a truck out of nowhere.

Sometimes you don't even realize all the emotions you are feeling deep down inside, until one day you finally get a moment to breathe and that's all you can think about.

And the last thing you want to hear is someone telling you that you will indeed have babies some day...because although you would think that should be comforting, it's really not...because all along you've been trying to get over the fact that maybe you never will have babies in this life.

But that's okay.

Finally, I am beginning to get less and less angry and become more and more okay with myself and my body.

You see, anger and frustration and despair are poison. Especially when all of those feelings are pointed at you or your spouse or at God.  We like to place the blame on someone else...but in the case of infertility, there is no blame to be placed.  Sometimes bodies just come broken.

I of all people should know that already.

...so this is the sad tale of two lovers who do not yet have a by-product of their love. But it will be okay, eventually.

If you would like to join me in a healthy cry, feel free to do so.